Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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