I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
