apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
