i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
