First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
