I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
They took my balls.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
