I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
