I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
