I accidentally had phone sex last night
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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