Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
