just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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