i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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