my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
