I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
