I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
