Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
