I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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