She said her name was "party"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
