Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
what day is it and did you see me today?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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