woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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