So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
