He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
