he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
