He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
