I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
