I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
