I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
