So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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