She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
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I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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