oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
