I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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