needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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