You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
