I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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