omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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