So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
