In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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