Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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