Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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