I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
