Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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