I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
