I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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