that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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