these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
