New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
