apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
