Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
