apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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