I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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