dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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