At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
