How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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