Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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