If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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