I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
